A dark place

The depression I felt on having to go back to work on Monday morning was immense. It was as if a dark cloud slowly enveloped me throughout the hours of Sunday and choked the life out of me by 9am Monday. And my day didn't improve. My foot was in agony after the MRI scan, which I can only presume was caused by the capsule being pressed into the most painful area on the sole of my foot and then held within an inch of it's life against a hard plastic contraption whilst lots of vibrations seemed to numb every living tissue from my sole to the top of my foot. I couldn't walk on Sunday, and Monday was an uncomfortable walk. I still trained.... Step! I felt guilty not doing anything and later wished I hadn't bothered because my foot wasn't at all happy about it!

Tuesday, as I sat alone in my branch at work, I felt very very down and emailed Graeme in some vain hope he would email back and make me feel better. It didn't quite work out that way, and the email I received suggested that Bangalore was maybe not a good idea under the circumstances. My reply was one of disdain, although deep down I agreed with him. I suppose I just didn't want to hear it at that particular time during that particular mood.

In truth, I have always had a cut off point, that being July 1st. I scoffed some months ago that I could EVEN afford to take time off running until July and STILL be fit enough in time for Bangalore, not realising that I would actually be faced with that dilemma. So last night I made the decision to write 2012 off as "Not my year".

This morning I called the travel agents and cancelled our trip to India, instead going for a week in Tunisia in August with all the kids in tow. Within minutes of doing that, I got an email which made my heart sink.... "Registrations for Bangalore Ultra 2012 are now open". Well.... It is what it is, and I was bound to get the email at some point wasn't I?

And another thing, I've had three emails from Rat Race this week, saying "Are you excited about participating in The Wall this weekend?" Don't they know I don't want to read that shit at this present moment? Again... It is what it is, and I'm not going to be there either, so no, I'm afraid I'm not feeling even in the slightest bit excited.

I will be honest though and say my week is definitely improving. Work is MUCH better, I have a fab holiday planned and I should know my MRI results very soon and the speculation will all be over. One "ahhhhhh" moment happened today however... My receptionist has had very bad pain in her hip for nearly a year, and she informed me today, "Oh Claire, I've got that thing that you get a lot... What's it called again? Erm... Oh yeah... Bursitis". I just stared at her dumbfounded and didn't hear another word she said after that, because all I could think was, "Oh My God". If I push my toe downwards the pain is really bad... LIKE bursitis pain. I can't put weight on the ball of my foot... LIKE the bursitis I had 3 years ago which had me in hospital fearing a stress fracture (LIKE earlier this year with this injury where the first diagnosis was suspected stress fracture). My foot sometimes burns so much I have to stand on the cold slate bathroom floor for relief.... LIKE bursitis burning. Why have I never thought of that before today as a possible reason? I'm prone to it, so why have I never brought bursitis into the conversation with Paul my podiatrist. I text him immediately and he said if it is bursitis the MRI will show it up clearly. I am now praying it is, because bursitis is easy to get rid of. Ironically, a sudden trauma (like my night out in Leeds in those shoes that started the whole thing off) is often the cause of a flare up for this. Have I been forced off running all this time for an recurring condition that I already know the far end of a fart about?